With our understanding of what’s behind traumatic bonding and its dangers in mind, it’s worthwhile to take steps toward overcoming the trauma bonds. From asthma and fibromyalgia, to sexual dysfunction, flashbacks and depression, repeated trauma can impact our health in surprising ways. ![]() On top of physical marks or the overproduction of cortisol, there are a slew of other health concerns that may result from abuse. Normally released to provide energy when faced with stress, too much cortisol can damage our immune system and make us more susceptible to illness, cause anxiety, and create high blood pressure. One common impact of experiencing any type of abuse is the overproduction of cortisol. While some effects are more overt, such as marks from physically abusive behaviors, others may be less noticeable. The danger of traumatic bonding lies in the impact repeated trauma has on us. This rationalization strengthens the bond further. On top of all that, abusive partners often promise change and actively tend to the wounds they create, precisely at those moments when we feel most vulnerable and hurt. It is no wonder that we feel strongly connected to them and have a hard time imagining life without them. ![]() We also have a tendency to try to make sense of our experiences, and so we work hard to rationalize the dissonance between our abusive partner’s caring and harmful actions. We can see then how trauma bonds occur-when the person we regard as our significant other, the “caregiver,” is also the one creating trauma by threatening our safety through abusive behavior. Given that we are hard-wired from birth to turn to an attachment figure when threatened, we naturally turn to our romantic partners when abuse occurs, even if they are the ones who are being abusive to us. In adult relationships, this “caregiver” is often our significant other. When this bonding occurs, oxytocin (often called the “love hormone”) is released in our brains, furthering comfort and attachment with the caregiver. trauma, we naturally turn to someone seen as a caregiver in our lives, someone who provides support, protection, and care. Survival is the foundation of human attachment, so when safety is threatened, i.e. Learn more about trauma bonds: The Scienceīiologically speaking, the bonds we develop originate from our infantile dependence on someone else for survival, usually our primary caregiver/parent. Let’s break it down further so we can better understand the science behind attachment to a partner who behaves abusively, the dangers ingrained in it, and ways to overcome the trauma bond. The above scenario, in which one party cycles between violence and non-violence while the other party copes, demonstrates the basic components of traumatic bonding. The good behavior, in other words, is what fosters the attachment that makes getting away from an abusive partner feel so painful and difficult. If your partner were abusive all the time and never respectful or kind, you probably wouldn’t stick around. However, what we’ve learned is that the positive behaviors actually enable the abusive behaviors to continue and escalate, because they make it so hard to honor the impulse to leave when abuse occurs. Many survivors comment that their partners are “perfect” or “wonderful” 90% of the time, and that it’s just 10% of the time that’s a problem. ![]() Survivors also often tell us that their abusive partners exhibit “good” behaviors too. That said, we also know that abusive behaviors tend to escalate over time, so using these feelings as coping mechanisms can have detrimental impacts in the long-term. ![]() Even after the abusive behaviors begin, we know leaning into these feelings of love, compassion and hope can help us cope with the violence in the short-term. After all, it probably wasn’t the abusive behavior that ignited the attraction to begin with or stirred up those feelings. It’s completely valid to still feel love for someone with whom we’ve invested so much time and energy into building a relationship. Oftentimes at The Hotline, we hear from a victim or survivor experiencing mixed feelings for a partner who behaves abusively.
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